“It is true that we all have an expiration date, we just don’t know when that is.”
- Will Wise – Mentor, Coach and Author 1970-2021
Talking about our inevitable end of life is hard for many people…
What if you knew that talking about all the things that might matter as you near your end of life could help you to live more fully now?
Our attitudes towards, and willingness to talk about, death and dying significantly influence the bereavement outcomes of our loved ones…. It also has a significant part to play on your own grief experience as you navigate your journey whether you are the person living with a life changing diagnosis or the person who cares for them.
As I have sat alongside and supported the bereaved, I have come to recognise a similar theme that comes up way more often than it should… That is the realisation that there were opportunities for information, support, education, interventions earlier in the journey that may have influenced their bereavement experience. I’m not saying it would have fixed things or made their grief go away. Nothing does that. But having your ducks in a row really does make a big difference in bereavement outcomes. And I am super passionate about sharing this insight with others in the hopes that they can avoid the avoidable pitfalls of not talking about death & dying, and end of life planning.
What is End of Life Planning?
End of Life Planning is a process that encourages you to think about, talk about and document your wishes for your comfort and care at end of life. This process gives your family and everyone who matters to you a chance to hear what’s important to you, especially if you were unable to speak for yourself and helps you to plan and prepare for your preferred end of life journey (similar to how we plan for births, marriages and other significant occasions in our lives). It also means families can consider what is realistic and sustainable for their specific, unique context.
Often people think End of Life Planning only consists of Wills, or appointing an Enduring Power of Attorney, or you may have some thoughts around Advance Care Planning and Funeral Planning, and while these are very important they are just parts of a larger conversation that needs to be had around End of Life Planning.
End of Life Planning can also include:
Household information – assigning specific items to family or friends (along with the story), downsizing and decluttering, asking yourself “what in this room, do only I know about?” For example you may be the only one who ever controls the TV remote, or organises the groceries etc.
Legacy – leaving family with the story of who you are and where they came from. Perhaps this may even include ensuring that any skeletons that you want kept in the closet, stay in the closet!
Finance & Business – legal access to bank accounts, being a named person with IRD, or power, phone or internet companies (have you ever tried to call these people?)
Social media & online digital life – passwords, subscriptions, having a plan for closing down or memorialising social media accounts such as Facebook etc.
Healthcare decisions – advance care planning, advance directives, last days and comfort care options. Do you want to be or are you a Donor? Who knows what your wishes might be if you are unable to speak for yourself?
Identifying your team – research shows it takes an average of 15 people to care for someone at end of life – you need to be well supported.
After death care wishes – family led, cooling and preserving options, funeral director involvement, transport, viewings etc.
Funeral planning – do you want a funeral? Does the family want one? Where? What is the cost, what are your options, who will be the celebrant, what music might you like?
Where do I begin?
That really depends on where you are on this continuum. A good place to start is by identifying where you are currently at and where you want to get to.
Some people like to have things covered in depth, others place less importance on the minutiae and want to focus more on the bigger picture. Whatever way is going to encourage these conversations is going to be beneficial - it’s all about starting with something is better than not starting at all! Find your comfort zone and go from there.
Remember, when you start having conversations with others, it is also important to consider where they might be on the continuum - this will influence how you start to bring this topic up with them…:
