Coping with a Fear of Death & Dying…
I am currently studying to sit an exam for my Certificate in Thanatology (the study of Death, Dying and Bereavement (or also known as “the study of life, with the death and dying bit left in”). It has been a six-year journey so far, having to accumulate over 3500 hours of Thanatology related experience and 90 hours of specific education, building networks and relationships and obtaining referrals from respected people in the field (and that is just to apply to sit the exam - thankfully I was accepted so I sit my exam later in October this year).
As part of my preparation for the exam I need to read 42 chapters (academic, dry reading) over two text books on Thanataology related fields which include History of the Field of Thanatology, the Evolution of Death Education, End of Life Planning & Preparation, Decision Making, All Loss (including grief, mourning and memorialisation), Death Related Encounters, Attitudes and Perspectives.
Where am I going with this? Well recently I have been rightfully reminded that while some people are uncomfortable talking about death there are also some people who are REALLY uncomfortable talking about death and dying. I remember as a 15 year old wanting to talk to as many people as possible about death and dying, and being told to “will you please just shut up". I felt I was justified in wanting to talk about it. My grandmother had died in front of me and I was trying to make sense of it all, which included my own response, as well as how others were responding. I wanted to know if I was “normal”. Just recently I have learnt that what I experienced in that moment and for a couple of hours after she died was disassociation. This feeling of being outside of my body and looking down from the corner of the room at the events unfolding.
Anyway, to my point, I always try to come to conversations with kindness, respect and compassion but have sometimes forgotten how this might be landing for the other people in the conversation. My recent reminder is a person in my life who really does carry a true fear and my ability to be hugely comfortable around this topic is perhaps not useful for them. It feels like sometimes I can come across as a bit “tactless”. Definitely an area I keep reminding myself to work on.
Through my study this morning I have come across a really great resource from Alberta University on Coping with Fear of Death which I will share with you here. There is so much to explore, so many facets and factors. This PDF and Worksheet from St Mary’s Primary Kettering is worth a look at too. Remember to take care of yourself when working with your fears. Dip your toe in to test the temperature and ask yourself “is this helping or harming me”? Have something in mind to switch your attention to if you need it…
The biggest message that I am trying to convey is that burying the fear is often not the best approach. Is it a mental health disorder? (i.e. in a clinical sense of “what’s wrong with me?” and “do I need fixing?”) I don’t think so. It’s a pretty natural, human experience and people move up and down the spectrum all the time (even me), depending on life events and what is going on in the world. Passive acceptance (ie. “it’s outside of my control so I just have to get on with it”) can be a short term approach and provide some relief, but in the long term, it will keep rearing its ugly head.
There are things you can do, conversations you can have… if you want to. Sometimes your nearest and dearest can’t have these conversations with you, for whatever reason, right now. Sometimes someone outside of your immediate circle are a better option at the moment.
Who do you talk to about this stuff? Who will be your thought partner in this space?