Are You Bereaved and Struggling Right Now?
This is something close to my heart at the moment and a follow on from the previous reflection “People Need a Little Help Sometimes…”
In this article, Dr Lucy Hone discusses the different forms of support people may need in bereavement (and to be honest, this can be applied to any challenging times we encounter).
I actually find it a really fascinating topic and am really curious about the different ways people respond (or not) when they find themselves in challenging times, or when you find you want to support a friend or family member going through tough times. Not just bereavement, but any kind of adversity. All the dynamics that come in to play, the different personalities, peoples perceptions, socially constructed “rules”, our level of comfort with bravery and vulnerability…
It just struck me as I wrote this, that perhaps we should practice with the little stuff so that when something big comes along, we know how to do it, and our friends and family know us well enough to know how to respond?
(I’m going to get real here, show some of my flaws to illustrate how this works because I think we need to be real here, not perfect. And there is such good learning to be had.)
It reminds me of an adventure race I did with my friend once. We happened to be going up a massive hill that was her nemesis really. It had beaten her in a previous event and she was determined to be the victor this time around. I offered to take her bag, I offered to help her out with a tow, I offered all sorts, but it was all declined. Later in the race it was my turn to hit the wall. She offered all the same things, but because she had said no to me, I said no to her! Petty I know, but you do crazy shit when you are tired and haven’t been able to find your bun with pink icing that you were saving for just the right moment. I look back now and think to myself “oh my god, just get over yourself!” I should have accepted her help, we were a team after all, no room for ego and all that! I could have also role modelled how to accept help, doesn’t mean you are weak, you don’t have to loose face.
Many years later, and my friend was caring for her mum with late stage dementia over a long period of time and right through to her end of life. She had some other things going on, all really tough and stressful. I am ashamed to say that I have been much more hesitant about keeping in touch, offering help or support in whatever way she needed. As I write this my stomach is bottoming out with that feeling you get when you go over a dip in the road at speed. It’s an awful feeling to realise you have been a pretty shit friend.
A couple of lessons here for me - the kind of help I was offering was not the kind of help she wanted at the time. She is fiercely independent and capable, I know this about her after knowing her for almost twenty years! During that particular adventure race she really just wanted someone to walk alongside her and be there during the tough times. I took her refusal of my help personally, I made it about me, when it was actually about her… If I had reflected on this a bit more I would have realised that when things were getting really tough for her with her mum and the other stuff going on, I would have known that just like in that adventure race, all she really needed was someone to walk alongside her so she didn’t feel so lonely as she did it her way…. Wow, I’m off to ponder this some more…
Adventure racing has great metaphors for almost every situation in life!
If you were really honest with yourself, do you have a story like this one to reflect on? What would it be teaching you right now?
I know that this offering and accepting help is a two way street. When there are two people involved in this and realistically you only have control over 50% of the interaction…. that’s another story!